1.) I am my biggest critic.
2.) I am, seriously, a kick-ass mom.
3.) Cockroaches freak me the fuck out. If I were a spy, and you wanted info, just dangle one in front of my face. I would tell you anything you wanted to know....in a second.
4.) I lost a toenail this past summer in a FREAK water skiing accident. It is halfway grown back.
5.) I am a psycho when it comes to pedicures and neat lookin' feet....so #4 hurt me to the CORE of my BEING!!!
6.) My sister has the prettiest dag-gone toenails I have ever laid eyes on.....and she does them herself.
7.) Sometimes, when I'm feeling mean, I want to drop a rock on my sister's toenails.
8.) I am a super super friend. I tend to stay in a friendship with someone, even if they've shit on me, because I think they can change and I want to help. This never works out and drains me emotionally.
9.) I get my feelings hurt easily.
10.) I have two long-haired chihuahuas. Willie is a 3 year old male. He is gay. I know this because he only humps on other male dogs. Bella is a 1 year old female. She is deaf. And she shits in my house constantly. Why me?
11.) I wear my heart on my sleeve. This gets me in trouble.
12.) I have never had a one night stand.
13.) I am divorced since 2002 but I currently live with my ex-husband.
14.) I drink beer and cuss. But I don't care.
15.) When my mom started losing her hair because of chemo, I cut my hair off so she wouldn't be the only one without hair. It was fairly long and I cut it pretty short. Like, boy-short. My mom was angry but I would do it again in a heartbeat. This was a year ago and I kept it razored until her hair started growing back. Now it kinda looks like Marilyn Monroe.
16.) I have clothes in my closet that date back to high school. I foolishly think that I will a) fit into my ankle-zipper GUESS jeans once again and b) I foolishly believe that they WILL come back in style.
17.) I hate cleaning toilets. Hate. It.
18.) I can make a mean-ass turkey gravy. From scratch.
19.) Hell, who am I kidding? I am a straight-up damn good chef. Everything I make is wonderful.
20.) My favorite season is Fall.
21.) If I could do anything I want, I would be a professional photographer with my very own studio. I am excellent at this and no one can dispute that fact. I just need more time and mo' money.
22.) Most of my best friends live 2000 miles away and I miss them every second of every day. Georgia is pretty this time of year.
23.) I have to make beds by myself. I have this whole "sheet shaking out until it lays perfectly flat on the bed or I have to start over" thing going on. It is a disease, I swear.
24.) I have 13 Elton John CDs and 4 albums. That's right...I said albums. I also have an autographed Cheescake Factory menu that a friend of mine gave me after he saw EJ in a club in Atlanta and he sent his waiter over, with the menu, and BEGGED him for an autograph. It is signed "To Laurie Love Elton John". I have this framed.
25.) I wish I could be a CIA agent. Kinda like Sydney Bristow on ALIAS. I would love to kick ass at random.
26.) I seriously don't feel 35. I sure as hell don't LOOK it either.
27.) Cats + Laurie = HELL. (sorry cat lovers out there.)
28.) I have said it before and I'll damn say it again...I love Julian McMahon. He is my soon to be lover. Bet on it.
29.) I would be a surrogate mother to a friend if she couldn't have kids. I have no problem carrying children, so why not help out someone who can't?
30.) I have serious issues with my older brother. I don't feel like linking his sorry ass here, so just trust me. In summary, crystal meth + cocaine + marijuana + older brother = sissy rage
31.) I adore my children. I hope that when they grow up and move away, they take this with them.
32.) I have a great ass.
33.) My breasts are pretty damn hot also.
34.) My favorite toe is on my right foot, third toe. I shower it with presents (i.e. toe rings) and I leave the other toes out. I sense a coup coming on. The Big Toe sans half a toenail is especially jealous.
35.) I wish 35 = 100 because I am even boring myself.
36.) I have a fear of hot air balloons. I will NEVER go in one. EVER. Even when I see one in the air, with other people in it, I flip the fuck out.
37.) When I pass 18 wheelers on the highway, I think one of the tires will fly off, hit me in the head and I will lose control of my car and it will flip and burst into flames.
38.) I used to have dreams of being trapped INSIDE of a waterbed. With water in it. And I had to swim around and could only breathe through the fill 'er up hole.
39.) My older brother once chased me into the desert while high on a joint laced with some shit, with a bottle of Ranch Dressing. It was scary.
40.) My family didn't care that I was allergic to cats and we had 4 of them. One, named Spiffer, lost a leg in a coyote accident. We were VERY poor at the time (divorce blah blah) and my mom spent grocery money to fix the cat. He was then 3-legged Spiffer and he went missing two weeks later. I'm assuming another coyote got his gimp ass, seeing that he couldn't fuckin' RUN.
41.) I am a super handy bitch. I put shit together in the household, i.e. dressers, tables, armoires, you name it, I've done it.
42.) Speaking of allergies, family thought it would be fun to horseback ride through the desert. One hour and one shredded up Kleenex later, they had to carry me back to the Ford Pinto. I am sure they laughed at me the whole time.
43.) My older brother fell off a high dive when he was 14. Maybe this explains it.
44.) If I were married to a rich man, my job would be sex. Lots of sex.
45.) I have great legs.
46.) I crapped myself at a party while doing a shot off of a block of ice. My sis was the only one to tell me about the dime size shit stain on my ASS and I had to dance backwards into the house to freshen up. Don't judge me.
47.) Giving birth sucks big ass. It hurt and I wasn't given any pain killers EITHER TIME. Pissed me off. One time because I was in Panama, Central America and they don't offer epidurals and the other time, they gave me some spinal shit but it didn't work and no one believed me. Bastards.
48.) I have an unnatural fear of Carnies.
49.) My favorite flower is a tulip.
50.) I can do a mean back dive.
51.) I can't stand it if someone is mad at me. It makes my stomach hurt and I will do anything to rectify the situation.
52.) I want "Your Song" by Elton John played at my funeral. But it has to be from the "Live in Australia" CD. Track 13. Scroll down and check it out.
53.) I've never been to a funeral. I just can't do it. The closest I ever came was when a friend of mine was in a car accident. I was preggers at the time and I went to the viewing and it really messed me up.
54.) Blood and guts don't gross me out but poop and throw up HORRIFY me. I was working on a patient once (ulcer on bottom of foot) and she threw up in an emesis basin. I dry heaved and wet myself. I know....very professional.
55.) Out of the six comments on the last post, I'm a little concerned that no one fronted on me regarding the "shit incident".
56.) I have never been in a fist fight. Ever.
57.) I was playing Spoons (ask and I will explain) with my Georgia friends once. I wrestled a man to the ground but ONLY after he pulled me across the table (we both had our hands around the same spoon) in my dress, hose and fuck-me pumps ( I had just shot a friggin wedding). I wanted that spoon. They had to pull me off of him because they thought he was having a heart attack. I got that damn spoon though. He lived.
58.) I cry at movies but I pretend I'm NOT crying, so as not to come across as "having a heart" or some shit. Holding the tears in gives me an incredible headache and I must sleep afterwards.
59.) My eyes are very blue but when I cry, they turn an amazing shade of green.
60.) I have hillbillies in my family. I don't even know how to expand on this. I will blog on the Misadventures of the Hillfolk at a later date. I will say that they have started annual family reunions and 2005 was the 2nd annual. Lord, I have to blog that.
61.) One of my best memories with my girls would be jumping on a trampoline equipped with a water hose and some dish soap. Trust me......good times.
62.) I wish I could find one of those Lemon Twist toys. The thing that you put around your ankle and you skip over it. Remember? And not the fake one. I want the one with the lemon.
63.) I caught my older brother:
-humping our babysitter.
-humping his teddy bear.
-humping his pillow.
64.) I wish I could draw or paint without the results looking like a 3 year old did it.
65.) I have very soft skin.
66.) I wear a size 6 1/2 shoe.
67.) I once puked up broccoli and ranch dip on a friend's bathroom mirror. I successfully cleaned this up in about 45 seconds flat. No one ever found out. I do remember it involved both of my forearms being used as squeegees.
68.) I worry about my weight and I really shouldn't.
69.) When my hair was boy-like (see #15, last post), a lot of lesbians hit on me. I am not kidding. I'm so nice that I just hit back. Didn't wanna hurt any feelings, ya know?
70.) I absolutely love the smell of babies. That "fresh outta the 'gina" scent is better than anything. God knew what he was doin' on that one.
71.) I hate ketchup and tomatoes yet I will eat homemade salsa with a shovel.
72.) I would kill right now for some sweet tea from Chik-Fil-A.
73.) I have a 'thing' for men in uniform. I find it extremely sexy.
74.) I love when you kiss my neck. I hate when you fuck with my ears.
75.) The most sensitive part of my body is my inner wrist.
76.) I've never had a broken bone.
77.) I have had a broken heart.
78.) I love the smell of rain on hot pavement. Monsoons here in AZ give me this.
79.) I have a small mole on my back that my wonderful sister named Chocolate Chip. Chip for short. It is not as big as a chocolate chip so this bothers me. It's more like an eighth of a chip.
80.) I'm terrified of the end of the world. If I think of this scenario too long, it makes me sick to my stomach. I wonder if I will survive and if so, will I have to wander around in the desert, looking for other survivors? Will I be able to find a weapon, to fend off would-be rapists? Will I find other "nice" survivors and can we form a makeshift gang? What about food? And beer? See? I'm feeling queasy as I type this.
81.) I'm a sucker for cheese. I am truly addicted.
82.) I really liked having short hair. I want it to grow back yet I want to cut it again.
83.) I love to go fishing. I can bait a mean hook.
84.) I think I can sing but I KNOW I can't.
85.) I can NOT be without lip gloss. It's my crack.
86.) Whenever my girlfriends and I get drunk and decide it's pyramid time, I always get to be on top. I will scan a picture of this and post at a later date.
87.) I miss my grandma and grandpa and I now regret not going to their funerals.
88.) Last night, I dreamt that I had sex with Criss Angel from MindFreak. We were on a huge feathery bed with a red comforter. It was pretty damn good.
89.) One morning, while I was naked in bed, my deaf dog licked my butt cheek. It was cold and I did not like it.
90.) When I'm drunk, I can still do a cartwheel.
91.) I got a new car for Christmas. Chevy Equinox LT. Salsa Red Metallic.
92.) When my girls are sleeping, I sneak into their rooms and smell their necks. I have to do this because they won't let me NEAR their necks otherwise. Something about me gobbling them up or some shit. There is NOTHING on Earth like that smell.
93.) I was bitten by a rogue fire ant on my labia. I can't make this shit up.
94.) When I die, the thing I hope people remember most about me is "She was so nice."
95.) When I was in second grade, I wanted my name to be Brenda. For some reason, this bothers me til this day. What was I thinking?
96.) I wish I had Angelina Jolie's lips. That bitch has got some pretty lips.
97.) I don't hate anyone. Except for the person(s) who murdered my best friend's son. They are out there, somewhere. You'll mess up. Watch.
98.) Santa Claus drives a white, Plymouth, pedophile van. I know this because I saw him as I was driving home yesterday. Freaky.
99.) I am a fucking SUCKER for people on the street corners begging for shit. I always think if I don't give one of them some change, it might be Jesus in disguise and he will bust me out and I will then be on the Hell List.
100.) If I were on death row, my last meal would consist of the following:
-Crab Legs w/ 3 little bowls of melted butter
-Garlic Mashed Potatoes
-A fresh salad made by my mom w/ lots of Ranch dressing
-Two butter rolls from Logan's Roadhouse
-One hot-out-of-the-oven chocolate chip walnut cookie
-A slice of pecan pie
-6 pack of Coors Light, ice fucking cold.